Lessons from walls

This posting has been long in gestation and today in Church I got the final threads to finish it off as promised previously... It is neither a lengthy or noble dissertation, just something that I have felt needs to be said.

Life is a procession, some may call it a comedy of errors, others call it a learning process. I call it an adventure these days...We all get hurt by life at some time or another, some build defensive walls and attitudes to protect them from the hurt. Others carry on regardless in their selfish ways. Others hide away in despair. Others take on the poisoned chains of pride.
Then there are people that want to throw off the yoke of past experiences to be able to live again as we are supposed to.Joyfully and adventurously.I am one of those people, but before I could do that I had to love myself again, to see that even with my bruised ego, broken heart and mangled self worth I was a person that was worthy to be a creature of joy again. Part of this was accepting and realizing that God loved me no matter what I did or had done. He had made me and He had loved me enough to create a way for me to be with Him eternally. How could I doubt my worth if the God of creation considered me worthy?
Once this was out of the way I realized that I had to get rid of my fortress that I had built around me as a result of past experiences.I had to get my psyche naked, this was the toughest part, because when you are exposed like this the flame of a passing soul is like a blowtorch, some have a flame of hatred, others of jealousy, even friendship scorches...
However if you persevere the freedom of not hiding behind a wall or mask is bliss itself, you know that you mean what you say and do what you mean. This honesty is sometimes disconcerting to others catching them off guard and flowing over them like a tsunami. I keep forgetting that part...

What I also have found is that I have lost the art of picking up hidden cues... I do not expect them because of my directness and openness... why should others play games when I cannot? But they do, mostly not intentionally but on a constant basis... I have to retrain myself to read these signs I suppose. Then I go read a recent study on kisses and I seem to be once again the exception to the rule as my goal when kissing is not to end up in the boudoir... I put a lot of emotional value in a kiss, to me a kiss is not part of what they say, a kiss is like cement for my heart, it fills in the cracks and makes me whole again. Yes it does set my heart racing but it also tells me that I am not alone in the adventure of life or the building of a relationship. Without a kiss it just a great friendship... but with a kiss once in a while there is a hint of something that may well grow to become that once in lifetime experience.

Being a gentleman is also a given when one has chosen the path I have, considering the other person and respecting their wishes is worth it, trust me, as the other way of being a boor and throwing a tantrum is not going to get you any points either. What I am talking about is when you have told the object of your affections your feelings, respect what you get back, I know it is hard to have to reign in your emotions but unless you expect instant gratification you are far better off being a friend than earning instant enmity. I actually think that the Victorian era had perfected this as a man would very often court a woman for many years before even telling her what he felt, rather getting to know her over time through many conversations and countless letters... we have forgotten that art gentlemen! Time to back track and do things in a proper and fitting fashion I believe. Chastity has it's own reward...

However as mentioned in a previous post, I think modern men are losers when it comes to understanding their purpose in the scheme of things, I am not excusing myself either, I have learnt that lesson well and have been shown the error of my ways regarding our responsibility to children we bring into the world. Only when we understand what the true meaning of being a Gentleman is will this change. Leaving a child in the lurch is a cowardly way to excuse
yourself from your responsibility. Just as God loves you you should love that child and do all you can to provide for this gift you received. At the same time if you had followed the proper order of things you may well never have gotten in this place at all... passion has both a price and a place.

Now all I want is to nurture those I love, to protect and serve and lead by example, in some small way show them the love I have been shown. When I see one of them hurting I wish I could take that cloak and put it on myself and bear their pain instead. I cry more easily because of this... I seem pray more often as well.
Lastly I leave you with this test of love that I only recently came to understand in full and without this any relationship is doomed to failure:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. - I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

We all need Cheerleaders

I have finished reading The Secret but am not going to comment about it until at least 2 other people have read it... then I may just reveal what I think about the secret The Secret reveals... I can say that it has affirmed a lot of things I have been doing in my life. It is always a source of wonder when one gets pointed in a direction and once on the journey things happen that reassure you that what you are doing is the way to go. As KatieB put it so well recently it is "Like having your own cheer leading team" but of course the best is that we all have the Greatest Cheerleader of them all on our side.
Another great cheerleader is TUT, sign up for the Notes from the Universe and let PIP change your life.
"Wimps lift weights, cheerleaders lift people!" from Ms. Pineapple's Cheer Page

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

This is a short one, still got a lot of things to do for tomorrows race... our water truck absconded and after a heck of lot of phoning we have got a Honeysucker to water the track... hope it works out, tomorrow will tell...
In the meantime music and coffee will have to keep me going while I do another all nighter.
"In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer." Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

One Month

Been posting for a month now and the creative juice has ebbed and flowed according to my moods... and boy do I have moods... looking back I see this and now understand why keeping a journal of any sort is theraputic and at the same time insightfull... At least this is cheaper than an analyst and more fun!
Looking back over this past month I found new friends, did new things, grew a little wiser and lived a little wilder (in a good sense)... all in all well a great month. Got Sarah Brightman on at the moment and my mood stinks, I think I am going top watch TV a while and come back to the blog...
Been watching Cold Case, once again a interesting twist to the tale and great music that always seems to fit the episode theme... Jewel's song "Hands" was featured in the closing scenes, others were REM, "It's The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)", Eagle Eye Cherry "Save Tonight", TLC "No Scrubs", Tal Bachman "She's So High" and Len "Steal My Sunshine". I also found the site that lists the music in all episodes; Cold Case music on Have-Dog
Just watching the news updates and there has been another accident at an illegal drag race... when will the powers that be start clamping down on this? As I am involved in motorsport this always irks me that the organised events battle to get assistance but nothing is done about illegal racing. Here are todays lyrics... suiting my earlier mood:
Once in a lifetime - Sarah Brightman
Let me dive in
To pools of sin
Wet black leather on my skin
Show me the floor
Lay down the law
I need to taste you more

Refrain:

Then I feel your sea
Raining down on me
Can this be my once in a lifetime
Hell's at heaven's door
As I need you more
You know you're my once in a lifetime

When you take me
And make me cry
Then I feel you satisfy
Show me the cage
It's all the rage
And lock it up

Found a part of me
That's a mystery
That will be just once in a lifetime
When the moon is high
Passion never dies
Will you want me for all a lifetime

Once in a lifetime
Once in a lifetime
Once in a lifetime

Giving you my soul
Letting you control
Took away a part of my lifetime
Memories of you
Left me black and blue
Now I know you're once in a lifetime

Refrain

Found a part of me
That's a mystery
That will be just once in a lifetime
When the moon is high
Passion never dies
Will you want me for all a lifetime

Refrain

Found a part of me
That's a mystery
That will be just once in a lifetime

I do believe I know why my mood has been so grey today... especially after reading those lyrics, I seem to have a lot of work to do on my pshyce... darn, I thought I was ok...
"A ship in harbor is safe--- but that is not what ships are for." John A. Shedd